Masking ADHD: What It Is, Why We Do It, and How to Cope

Many people’s understanding of ADHD is often based on the more visible, hyperactive-impulsive presentation we tend to see in children, particularly boys. However, for many, especially girls and women, and some boys and men, ADHD can look very different. Instead of being outwardly disruptive, they may present as "well-behaved," "quiet," or "just a bit disorganised." This is often due to a phenomenon called ADHD masking.

This article will delve into what ADHD masking is, explore the reasons behind it, discuss whether it's truly beneficial, provide relatable examples, and offer coping mechanisms and tips to help you live more authentically.

What Exactly is ADHD Masking?

ADHD masking is the conscious or unconscious effort by individuals with ADHD to hide or suppress their symptoms in order to fit in, avoid negative judgment, or meet societal expectations. Essentially, it's about creating a "neurotypical" facade to conceal the underlying neurodivergence.

Think of it like an actor constantly playing a role. They are putting on a performance to appear as though they don't have ADHD, even if it's taking a huge amount of energy and mental effort.

Why Do People Mask Their ADHD?

There are several powerful reasons why someone with ADHD might develop masking behaviours:

• Social Pressure and Stigma: ADHD is often misunderstood, and individuals with the condition may face negative stereotypes, judgment, or even ridicule. Masking can be a way to avoid this social stigma and the feeling of being "different" or "wrong."   

• Avoiding Negative Consequences: In school, work, or social settings, ADHD symptoms can lead to criticism, punishment, or missed opportunities. Masking can be a way to minimise these negative consequences.   

• A Desire to Belong: Humans have a fundamental need to belong. Masking can be a way to feel more connected to peers and social groups by appearing more "normal."   

• Past Negative Experiences: Repeated criticism, punishment, or humiliation related to ADHD symptoms in childhood can lead to a strong drive to mask these behaviours in adulthood.

• Internalised Shame: Over time, the negative messages received about ADHD can lead to internalised shame and the belief that their true selves are somehow inadequate or unacceptable.   

• Lack of Diagnosis and Understanding: Many individuals, particularly women and girls, are not diagnosed with ADHD in childhood. Without an understanding of their neurodivergence, they may simply believe there's something inherently "wrong" with them and try to fix it by masking.

Is Masking Beneficial or Self-Sabotaging?

In the short term, masking can provide a sense of control and may even lead to some positive outcomes, like improved social acceptance or academic/work performance in specific instances. However, in the long run, masking is largely self-sabotaging and can have significant negative consequences for an individual's well-being:

• Exhaustion and Burnout: Constantly putting on a performance is incredibly draining, leading to chronic fatigue and burnout.

• Increased Anxiety and Depression: The effort of masking, combined with the fear of being "found out," can fuel anxiety. Suppressing one's true self can also contribute to feelings of depression.   

• Identity Confusion: Over time, constant masking can lead to a weakened sense of self. Individuals may struggle to understand who they truly are beneath the "mask."   

• Delayed or Missed Diagnosis: Effective masking can make ADHD less obvious to others, including healthcare professionals, leading to delayed or missed diagnoses. This means missing out on appropriate support and treatment.   

• Difficulty with Authentic Relationships: Building truly deep and authentic connections with others can be challenging when you are constantly hiding parts of yourself.

• Exacerbated ADHD Symptoms: The stress of masking can actually make ADHD symptoms worse in private, creating a cycle of struggle.

• Emotional Dysregulation: Suppressing emotions as part of the masking process can lead to difficulties in managing emotions effectively in the long run.

Relatable Examples of ADHD Masking:

Here are some common ways ADHD masking might manifest in daily life:

• The "Overachiever": Working tirelessly and meticulously to compensate for potential inattentiveness or disorganisation, often at the cost of personal well-being.

• The "People-Pleaser": Going out of their way to accommodate others and avoid conflict, often due to a fear of rejection or negative judgment.   

• The "Super Organiser" (on the outside): Having a perfectly organised desk or planner, but their personal life might be in chaos, or the "organisation" takes a disproportionate amount of effort.

• The "Quiet One" in Meetings: Remaining silent in meetings even when they have valuable input, due to a fear of interrupting or saying something "wrong."

• Developing Strict Routines (that are fragile): Creating rigid routines to manage time and tasks, but becoming significantly distressed when the routine is disrupted.

• Forcing Eye Contact: Maintaining intense eye contact in conversations, even if it feels uncomfortable or distracting, because they've been told it shows they are "listening."

• Mental Rehearsal: Mentally rehearsing conversations or scenarios in advance to avoid saying or doing something impulsive.

• Using Humour as a Shield: Using self-deprecating humour to deflect attention from their struggles or perceived flaws.

• Becoming a "Chameleon": Adapting their behaviour and personality to fit in with different social groups.

Coping Mechanisms and Tips for Unmasking:

Unmasking is a journey, not a destination, and it takes time, self-compassion, and support. Here are some strategies that can help:

• Self-Education: Learn as much as you can about ADHD, especially how it presents in adults and in your specific gender. Understanding the neurological basis of your challenges can reduce shame and self-blame.   

• Self-Compassion: Acknowledge the effort you've put into masking and recognise that you did it to cope. Be kind and patient with yourself as you begin to unmask.

• Identify Your Masking Behaviours: Become aware of the specific ways you mask your symptoms. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this.

• Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Actively challenge the negative thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself that fuel your masking.

• Find a Supportive Community: Connecting with other individuals with ADHD can provide a sense of belonging and validation. Sharing experiences can be incredibly powerful.

• Communicate with Trusted Individuals: Gradually start to be more open and honest with trusted friends, family members, or a partner about your struggles and your ADHD.

• Set Boundaries: Learn to say "no" and establish boundaries to protect your energy and well-being, especially if your people-pleasing tendencies are a form of masking.

• Embrace Your Strengths: Focus on and celebrate the positive traits often associated with ADHD, such as creativity, hyperfocus on interests, and resilience.   

• Seek Professional Support: This is a crucial step. A therapist experienced in ADHD can provide guidance and support on your unmasking journey. They can help you process past experiences, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and build self-esteem.

• Consider an ADHD Assessment: If you suspect you have ADHD and are experiencing the challenges of masking, a comprehensive assessment can provide a formal diagnosis. At Mentalwell, we offer specialised ADHD assessments with experienced clinicians who understand the nuances of ADHD presentations, including the more subtle ways it can appear in those who mask. A diagnosis can unlock access to effective treatment and support, allowing you to finally understand yourself better and live more authentically.

A Final Thought

Masking ADHD can be a heavy burden to carry. While it might seem like a necessary survival strategy in the short term, the long-term costs to your well-being are significant. Embracing your neurodivergence and allowing yourself to be authentic is a powerful act of self-compassion. With understanding, support, and the right strategies, you can learn to thrive as your true self, without the exhausting performance of masking. If you're ready to take the first step, consider an ADHD assessment with Mentalwell to gain the clarity and support you deserve.